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September 2008 
A Reason To Burn a Pile of Books (for Sherry and Maggie)
Posted on Sep 13th, 2008
by 
GwenCaith
GwenCaith
Today, in preparation for friends coming to stay for a visit, in the next few months, 2 friends came over, to help me houseclean. Sherry is THE ULTIMATE "heave-ho" gal; she has NO MERCY, when it comes to getting rid of ANYTHING, that smacks of "bad vibes" or darkness. As a Christian and single Mom, Sherry has the ability to TOTALLY clear a room of bad influences, while having faith that, say, if you were raped in a bed, IT MUST GO, but ANOTHER will be placed, presumably by God, simply as a gracenote or reward, for getting rid of the "dark" object--no matter HOW USEFUL IT WAS.
My other friend, Maggie, is a bit more pragmatic; Maggie took over the kitchen, spraying (albeit, with great economy) bug spray where old roach traps were being eliminated from. She opened and shed light upon the interiors of cabinets and drawers, and, as a result, figuring out where silverware and dishes she cleaned needed to be put back.
The job left to me, while these two did their part, was to go through books and laundry, to figure out what could be sacrificed. As I hoped my budgeting would get better, I had a tough time, parting with my "fat" clothes; I DO love to eat, and my beloved oysters and some of the best of Americas fruits and vegetables are coming into harvest and into the grocers. Hoping I would eat MORE and BETTER, I nonetheless realized that 5 laundry baskets was simply too much for a single woman to own; I filled three large garbage bags full of clothes, quietly tossing them to the curb for their final trip to the Funeral Pire/Dump.
Usually PROUD of my growing and extensive library, I had to face the DARKEST of revelations: My collection of books-numbering, conservatively, 600 texts-WAS COMPRISED OF ABOUT 42% DYSFUNCTION-based books.
As I've recently been shown by neurologists that, all my years of antisocial behavior and reticence to be anywhere NEAR a confident, functional woman was TRIGGERED BY ENVIRONMENTAL INFLUENCES, the stack of "sickie" books tore at my heartstrings.
I gazed upon them, in silent grief, a lump in my throat, unable to speak:
For most ALL MY LIFE, I'd taken the word of aberrantly traited, incestuous parents and unfaithful, polygamous, narcissistic husbands, and READ EVERYTHING I COULD, to fix that about me that was ALLEGEDLY FLAWED and UNACCEPTABLE.
As Sherry realized I was staring at a pile of something, she examined one or two of the volumes: We KNEW they had to go, and THEY NEEDED NOT to be PASSED ON, to others, who might also fall victim to their cruelty.
While there's no doubt, then, in my mind, that it will take awhile-perhaps many years-to crawl out from under the learned negative behaviors I've so thoroughly and willingly displayed, I don't have to look at my bookshelves, ANY MORE, and believe the lies of the Past.
Sometimes, one NEEDS an opportunity, to REFINE and REDEFINE the Self.
My other friend, Maggie, is a bit more pragmatic; Maggie took over the kitchen, spraying (albeit, with great economy) bug spray where old roach traps were being eliminated from. She opened and shed light upon the interiors of cabinets and drawers, and, as a result, figuring out where silverware and dishes she cleaned needed to be put back.
The job left to me, while these two did their part, was to go through books and laundry, to figure out what could be sacrificed. As I hoped my budgeting would get better, I had a tough time, parting with my "fat" clothes; I DO love to eat, and my beloved oysters and some of the best of Americas fruits and vegetables are coming into harvest and into the grocers. Hoping I would eat MORE and BETTER, I nonetheless realized that 5 laundry baskets was simply too much for a single woman to own; I filled three large garbage bags full of clothes, quietly tossing them to the curb for their final trip to the Funeral Pire/Dump.
Usually PROUD of my growing and extensive library, I had to face the DARKEST of revelations: My collection of books-numbering, conservatively, 600 texts-WAS COMPRISED OF ABOUT 42% DYSFUNCTION-based books.
As I've recently been shown by neurologists that, all my years of antisocial behavior and reticence to be anywhere NEAR a confident, functional woman was TRIGGERED BY ENVIRONMENTAL INFLUENCES, the stack of "sickie" books tore at my heartstrings.
I gazed upon them, in silent grief, a lump in my throat, unable to speak:
For most ALL MY LIFE, I'd taken the word of aberrantly traited, incestuous parents and unfaithful, polygamous, narcissistic husbands, and READ EVERYTHING I COULD, to fix that about me that was ALLEGEDLY FLAWED and UNACCEPTABLE.
As Sherry realized I was staring at a pile of something, she examined one or two of the volumes: We KNEW they had to go, and THEY NEEDED NOT to be PASSED ON, to others, who might also fall victim to their cruelty.
While there's no doubt, then, in my mind, that it will take awhile-perhaps many years-to crawl out from under the learned negative behaviors I've so thoroughly and willingly displayed, I don't have to look at my bookshelves, ANY MORE, and believe the lies of the Past.
Sometimes, one NEEDS an opportunity, to REFINE and REDEFINE the Self.
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